Cheer up time. Accounting jokes?

[ACC]

Why did the actuary become an actuary? He wasn't exciting enough to become an accountant.

 

[morki]

If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she do?
Leans over to her husband and says "Tell me about work today, honey."

 

[morki]

one more

What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Jail.

 

[morki]

hahaha seriously?

A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

 

[morki]

And finally:
A lady goes to see her doctor with some very worrisome symptoms. After examining her, he says, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only havesix months to live." The lady is very distraught, "Oh doctor, what should I do", she asks. The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA.""Will that make me live longer?", she asks, hopefully. "No, " says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."

 

[morki]

Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

 

[morki]

Why don't old accountants never die? They just lose their balance!

 

[NewbieAccountant]

This is hilarious, guys. xDDD We should collect them and make an e-book out of this material. xD

 

[Renuka Rana]

What does an accountant say when boarding a train?

‘Mind the GAAP’.

 

[pndaccountants]

The Golden Rule For Every Business Man Is This:"Put Yourself In Your Customer's Place."

 

[John Baker]

A controller was part of job's project and hired a deaf bookkeeper. At year's end, the company's CPA firm came in to do their usual year end audit. After a few hour on the audit, the site manager for the firm came into the controller's office and informed him that one of his bookkeepers had stashed away over a million dollars somewhere. Terribly upset, the controller walked into the business owner's office and informed him of the discovery. Now it was bad enough to loose a million bucks, but the business owner was a volatile man, prone to temper flareups. So the owner tells the controller to get the bookkeeper in his office, pronto! The controller brings the man in and they both sit in front of the owner's desk. The owner knows the man is deaf, so he asks the controller to sign language his questions.
"Ok, bucko - where is my money?" demands to owner.
The controller sign languages the question, only to see the bookkeeper shrug his shoulders, like he knows nothing.
The controller passes on the bookkeeper's reaction.
The business owner get's enraged and demands the bookkeeper tell him where his money is.
Again, the same pattern of event, like before, get's back to the owner.
The owner, then reaches into his desk, pulls out a 45 cal. pistol and tells the controller that if the bookkeeper doesn't tell him where his money is, he'll start shoot'n!
The Controller, in sign language, looks at the bookkeeper and explains the situation.
The bookkeeper then signs back - "It's all under my front steps at my house."
The owner, looking very attentive says, "Ok, what did he say?"
The controller looks at the owner and says, " He doesn't think you have the guts to start shoot'n!"

 

[pos325]

What's 2+2?
Engineer- it lies between 3,98 and 4,2
Mathematician - in 2 hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof
Logician - this problem is solvable
Attorney - in the case of Smit vs State it was declared to be 4
Trader - are you buying or selling?
Accountant - what would you like it to be? )))

 

[Tempe Tony]

Not really an accountant joke, but this one at least has an element of math in it:


Did you hear about the two guys who stole the calendar ?

They each got 6 months.

 

[Asha Kanta Sharma]

What does CPA stand for? Can't Pass Again.

Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.

Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

 

[Thepencilhouse]

Photographer says to another photographer, I lose money on every job...

other photographer says, you need more jobs.

 

[KGillick]

What's 2+2?
Engineer- it lies between 3,98 and 4,2
Mathematician - in 2 hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof
Logician - this problem is solvable
Attorney - in the case of Smit vs State it was declared to be 4
Trader - are you buying or selling?
Accountant - what would you like it to be? )))

is this a reference to "Cooking the Books"?

 

[stevuke79]

There are two secrets to being a successful accountant:

1. Never give away everything you know.
2. [ ... Redacted ... ]

 

[DrStrangeLove]

OK, here's a joke for all the mind readers out there: